It has come to me today through this dark and crazy tunnel – that seven years after the birth of my most beautiful daughter my body, mind and soul are still carrying the scars of my cesarean section. By scars I don’t mean the one that slices across my body just below my belly – what i mean more is the one that slices across my heart. The one that makes me feel guilty about not being good enough before my daughter ever even really became my daughter. The one that makes me feel my body betrayed me, my mind let it and all those in the hospital supported it. I had a midwife but she was still getting her legs in this community – arriving from a far away place where the rules and regulations regarding hospital births with midwives were different. Being people pleasers both my partner and I – we offered her cookies, felt guilty about keeping her up all night, worried about how she was doing rather than how my birth experience was going.
I was lucky and had no complications after birth. My cut healed quickly and cleanly. After the mid wife completed her 4 weeks of aftercare (which were my saving grace that first month) – no other doctor even checked how things were going. I guess they just figured if things weren’t okay I would have told them. I guess I didn’t know how to talk about the guilt and emotional scars that were building and since I come from a suck it up family – I could barely even admit to them being there.
Over all my nine months of pregnancy were most beautiful – I loved being pregnant – my body felt amazing and having that little being floating around in there was one of my all time favorite experiences. I often wonder how life would have been different had I walked that road earlier. Since my partner and I met late in life we both felt one would be enough. Truth be told I think he felt none would be enough but went along with things since I seemed to want it so much. (although even that sentence is such a surprise for me – children were never a part of my plan!) I know nowadays neither of us would change things for the world – he is such an amazing father to our girl.
This past weekend having been sick – I tried to take my life down even a notch further from the simplicity we work within and it meant a lot of lying around on the couch listening to my partner play with our girl. I love the giggles and joy I can see and hear from both of them and I feel so blessed that although the birth did not leave me with the desired emotion or satisfaction, hearing them play together and seeing that joy sure does bring relief and happiness to my heart. Knowing for both of us that even though our program wasn’t filled with loving father figures – i choose a partner who was able to bring that to the table and he was able to pull it from deep within.
Today I have chosen to release this guilt – to let go of the pain – to release back into the earth the betrayal – the feeling of not enough – the inadequacy – the scars inside my being….to let it all softly flow away and focus on the pleasure of my beautiful girl and see her as she grows. Watching all the changes and challenges but trusting that everything is as it should be. Healing myself. Seven years later.
photo credit: ::: M @ X ::: via photopin cc
One of the things that I always love about this time of year – of course outside of the days getting longer are all the fabulous summits that are out there. I don’t know if they generally go on all year but I do know that this time of year February March are generally the time of year that I get absorbed into them and find the most benefit comes to me.
A few weeks ago I was blessed enough to find the fabulous Sara Avant Stover. She is of course a yogi which is important to me – she is a strong woman – she is connected with her cycles and today when scrolling through my morning emails I see she is presenting 28 days of connecting and loving your moon cycle. Super exciting!
So join me on this fabulous journey if you can – perhaps you’ll discover something more beautiful and amazing about yourself that you didn’t know, perhaps you’ll create some space for something special in your life – or perhaps you will just feel a deeper sense of peace.
For many years now I’ve struggled with meditation – believing that all good yogis do meditation but finding absolute stillness extremely challenging. I’ve taken classes in mediation, but never quite been able to stick to the program. I consider yoga and hiking to be my moving meditations. With both I am aware of the moment, in present time, connected to my own breath and being as well as happy and contented. And what is mediation for if not to bring one closer to contentedness , really? Striving for that peace and serenity in mind and spirit.
Over the past year I connected with Leonie Dawson’s guided meditations – and for the first time ever I found a guided meditation that spoke to my heart. We moved cities this summer and had an awful lot of stress finding a house, securing a mortgage, lining all things up and not having a job for either my partner or myself in place and through it all I found the releasing fear meditation to be extremely helpful. The imagery spoke to my true hippie heart and made me feel warm and safe. It’s a meditation I often use when fear starts to creep into my life and I want to tackle it back to it’s place behind closed doors.
More recently, I had the privilege of connecting with Monica Fraser’s Discovering Your Thriving Vibration meditation which is another one that speaks to my heart and soul. Monica is currently offering this mediation for free on her website just for signing up to her newsletter. I can’t imagine that this offer will go on forever so if you are looking for some additional thriving in your energy centre’s head on over there and sign up. I often use this one when I am walking the dog and I know that wasn’t quite the intention – but it’s what works for me at this time in my life.
Lastly, I wanted to share with you this fabulous new app that is coming out for the iphone. Some of you may have already heard about Omvana – they have been running a pretty amazing campaign these last few weeks with free guided meditations that were meant to be short and sweet although they all seem to be around the 20 minute mark. That’s still pretty short as far as meditations go but not under the 10 minute mark that I thought the original plan was…… regardless of that the meditations are also very cool. Not the same energy as the first two I mentioned these have more mainstream appeal – but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Now on to the iphone app – it goes live Feb 19th – so if you are interested in being in line for their free downloadable app with 50 meditations already programmed in – you should get in line here.…..I know I’ll be doing that download and keeping my program of moving meditations going strong.
How about you? Do you have a meditations practice? What’s works in your world? Share your thoughts in the comments section – I would love to hear from you!
Do you ever have those days where you wake up and after getting through the craziness of rushing a child off to school, packing lunch, doing all that jazz that seems to come with the morning – life just seems to be so amazing and the heavens seem to be shining down upon you? Today is one of those days for me – the sun is shining down and I am blessed enough to be able to walk through the forest and get a bit of time and space for my mind and body to connect to our fabulous mother Gaia. Having recently moved back to my hometown of Hamilton from the lovely but uber flat city of Windsor; I am continually amazed at the beautiful topography that Hamilton has to offer. I enjoyed our stay in Windsor and met many lovely people and grew in unimaginable ways – but so missed the hiking and forest that I grew up. Hamilton’s beautiful mountain escarpment.
Frolicking in the snow
Bruce Trail in the morning sunshine
I don’t know why it’s today or what has finally occurred to propel me forward – I think it must be that I am sick of hearing the words running around in my head….that and the thought that this is my procrastination. I tend to believe that I am a forward mover and thinker, that I don’t hesitate to try new things, that I am always ready to grow and expand – but if I am going to be totally honest – this idea of blogging – this knowing that I am supposed to be sharing my words – this has been there for a long time and I’ve been hesitant…..used excuses, made other things more important and so today is finally the day! I don’t want to procrastinate anymore.
Perhaps it’s been some of the breakthroughs that I’ve recently experienced with the tapping summit – each year I find myself going deeper down into the onion and moving through old patterns and belief that don’t serve me, and this year has been no different. I’ve discovered some old patterns around money that it’s high time I release. Funny how there is always something new to discover about oneself if you are open to learning, hearing, connecting.
Maybe it’s the Kundalini kriya I’ve been working on for the past 16 days…..this is the second time in my life that I am working towards 40 days of kriya. The first was with a group of beautiful women during my yoga teacher training and this time it’s all by my lonesome. Pros and cons to each I will admit – having the support of a group makes a big difference in my willingness to get out of bed – but doing it on my own means it doesn’t have to be 5am. (thank the goddess!) I find doing the kriyas I don’t so much notice the strength being created in my body the way I do with the physical asanas (yoga postures) but it kind of creeps up on you – all of sudden there is a steadiness, a powerfulness that just wasn’t there before.
Or maybe just maybe it’s the inspiration and clarity I’ve found from working with the Leonie Dawson Incredible Year workbook. Planning things out, setting goals, actually spending time creating space to think about where I want to go and where I’ve been – makes such an incredible difference in my ability to manifest my life and move it forward.
So the plan for this here bloggy thing is that I share all the little bits of my life that I think are important – that I bring it all together into one amazing space – my wish is that something somewhere along the line propels you to engage in your own change and growth – however that transpires I would be thrilled to hear about it and know that something I said some small item that I shared moved you to take a step closer to your fullness, your true authentic self. So join me as we travel through this crazy, beautiful, amazing life together.