It has come to me today through this dark and crazy tunnel – that seven years after the birth of my most beautiful daughter my body, mind and soul are still carrying the scars of my cesarean section. By scars I don’t mean the one that slices across my body just below my belly – what i mean more is the one that slices across my heart. The one that makes me feel guilty about not being good enough before my daughter ever even really became my daughter. The one that makes me feel my body betrayed me, my mind let it and all those in the hospital supported it. I had a midwife but she was still getting her legs in this community – arriving from a far away place where the rules and regulations regarding hospital births with midwives were different. Being people pleasers both my partner and I – we offered her cookies, felt guilty about keeping her up all night, worried about how she was doing rather than how my birth experience was going.
I was lucky and had no complications after birth. My cut healed quickly and cleanly. After the mid wife completed her 4 weeks of aftercare (which were my saving grace that first month) – no other doctor even checked how things were going. I guess they just figured if things weren’t okay I would have told them. I guess I didn’t know how to talk about the guilt and emotional scars that were building and since I come from a suck it up family – I could barely even admit to them being there.
Over all my nine months of pregnancy were most beautiful – I loved being pregnant – my body felt amazing and having that little being floating around in there was one of my all time favorite experiences. I often wonder how life would have been different had I walked that road earlier. Since my partner and I met late in life we both felt one would be enough. Truth be told I think he felt none would be enough but went along with things since I seemed to want it so much. (although even that sentence is such a surprise for me – children were never a part of my plan!) I know nowadays neither of us would change things for the world – he is such an amazing father to our girl.
This past weekend having been sick – I tried to take my life down even a notch further from the simplicity we work within and it meant a lot of lying around on the couch listening to my partner play with our girl. I love the giggles and joy I can see and hear from both of them and I feel so blessed that although the birth did not leave me with the desired emotion or satisfaction, hearing them play together and seeing that joy sure does bring relief and happiness to my heart. Knowing for both of us that even though our program wasn’t filled with loving father figures – i choose a partner who was able to bring that to the table and he was able to pull it from deep within.
Today I have chosen to release this guilt – to let go of the pain – to release back into the earth the betrayal – the feeling of not enough – the inadequacy – the scars inside my being….to let it all softly flow away and focus on the pleasure of my beautiful girl and see her as she grows. Watching all the changes and challenges but trusting that everything is as it should be. Healing myself. Seven years later.
photo credit: ::: M @ X ::: via photopin cc
One of the things that I always love about this time of year – of course outside of the days getting longer are all the fabulous summits that are out there. I don’t know if they generally go on all year but I do know that this time of year February March are generally the time of year that I get absorbed into them and find the most benefit comes to me.
A few weeks ago I was blessed enough to find the fabulous Sara Avant Stover. She is of course a yogi which is important to me – she is a strong woman – she is connected with her cycles and today when scrolling through my morning emails I see she is presenting 28 days of connecting and loving your moon cycle. Super exciting!
So join me on this fabulous journey if you can – perhaps you’ll discover something more beautiful and amazing about yourself that you didn’t know, perhaps you’ll create some space for something special in your life – or perhaps you will just feel a deeper sense of peace.
For many years now I’ve struggled with meditation – believing that all good yogis do meditation but finding absolute stillness extremely challenging. I’ve taken classes in mediation, but never quite been able to stick to the program. I consider yoga and hiking to be my moving meditations. With both I am aware of the moment, in present time, connected to my own breath and being as well as happy and contented. And what is mediation for if not to bring one closer to contentedness , really? Striving for that peace and serenity in mind and spirit.
Over the past year I connected with Leonie Dawson’s guided meditations – and for the first time ever I found a guided meditation that spoke to my heart. We moved cities this summer and had an awful lot of stress finding a house, securing a mortgage, lining all things up and not having a job for either my partner or myself in place and through it all I found the releasing fear meditation to be extremely helpful. The imagery spoke to my true hippie heart and made me feel warm and safe. It’s a meditation I often use when fear starts to creep into my life and I want to tackle it back to it’s place behind closed doors.
More recently, I had the privilege of connecting with Monica Fraser’s Discovering Your Thriving Vibration meditation which is another one that speaks to my heart and soul. Monica is currently offering this mediation for free on her website just for signing up to her newsletter. I can’t imagine that this offer will go on forever so if you are looking for some additional thriving in your energy centre’s head on over there and sign up. I often use this one when I am walking the dog and I know that wasn’t quite the intention – but it’s what works for me at this time in my life.
Lastly, I wanted to share with you this fabulous new app that is coming out for the iphone. Some of you may have already heard about Omvana – they have been running a pretty amazing campaign these last few weeks with free guided meditations that were meant to be short and sweet although they all seem to be around the 20 minute mark. That’s still pretty short as far as meditations go but not under the 10 minute mark that I thought the original plan was…… regardless of that the meditations are also very cool. Not the same energy as the first two I mentioned these have more mainstream appeal – but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Now on to the iphone app – it goes live Feb 19th – so if you are interested in being in line for their free downloadable app with 50 meditations already programmed in – you should get in line here.…..I know I’ll be doing that download and keeping my program of moving meditations going strong.
How about you? Do you have a meditations practice? What’s works in your world? Share your thoughts in the comments section – I would love to hear from you!