It has come to me today through this dark and crazy tunnel – that seven years after the birth of my most beautiful daughter my body, mind and soul are still carrying the scars of my cesarean section. By scars I don’t mean the one that slices across my body just below my belly – what i mean more is the one that slices across my heart. The one that makes me feel guilty about not being good enough before my daughter ever even really became my daughter. The one that makes me feel my body betrayed me, my mind let it and all those in the hospital supported it. I had a midwife but she was still getting her legs in this community – arriving from a far away place where the rules and regulations regarding hospital births with midwives were different. Being people pleasers both my partner and I – we offered her cookies, felt guilty about keeping her up all night, worried about how she was doing rather than how my birth experience was going.
I was lucky and had no complications after birth. My cut healed quickly and cleanly. After the mid wife completed her 4 weeks of aftercare (which were my saving grace that first month) – no other doctor even checked how things were going. I guess they just figured if things weren’t okay I would have told them. I guess I didn’t know how to talk about the guilt and emotional scars that were building and since I come from a suck it up family – I could barely even admit to them being there.
Over all my nine months of pregnancy were most beautiful – I loved being pregnant – my body felt amazing and having that little being floating around in there was one of my all time favorite experiences. I often wonder how life would have been different had I walked that road earlier. Since my partner and I met late in life we both felt one would be enough. Truth be told I think he felt none would be enough but went along with things since I seemed to want it so much. (although even that sentence is such a surprise for me – children were never a part of my plan!) I know nowadays neither of us would change things for the world – he is such an amazing father to our girl.
This past weekend having been sick – I tried to take my life down even a notch further from the simplicity we work within and it meant a lot of lying around on the couch listening to my partner play with our girl. I love the giggles and joy I can see and hear from both of them and I feel so blessed that although the birth did not leave me with the desired emotion or satisfaction, hearing them play together and seeing that joy sure does bring relief and happiness to my heart. Knowing for both of us that even though our program wasn’t filled with loving father figures – i choose a partner who was able to bring that to the table and he was able to pull it from deep within.
Today I have chosen to release this guilt – to let go of the pain – to release back into the earth the betrayal – the feeling of not enough – the inadequacy – the scars inside my being….to let it all softly flow away and focus on the pleasure of my beautiful girl and see her as she grows. Watching all the changes and challenges but trusting that everything is as it should be. Healing myself. Seven years later.
photo credit: ::: M @ X ::: via photopin cc